[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
men are simple creatures
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…