My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Dolls on drugs
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳