Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.