“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.