Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Oceanography is all about current events
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job