She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
uncle dave has been through hell
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’ve had relationships like this
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: