Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Apparently, this is how the world ends.