9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.