Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands