Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
2022: I can fix it
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.