Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.