Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.