BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)