Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Found my door mat
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.