Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
accurate
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Boom, boom, ching!
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.