A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
the clam before the storm
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Schrödinger’s cookie
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these