my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.