[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Proctology is located in A55
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard