good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
What
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.