I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
(yawn)
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.