[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?