Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.