Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!