I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
You Might Also Like
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?