best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My time has come.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
According to math, I’m broke
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.