I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Morning my dudes.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.