Please do it!
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Dune (2021)
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke