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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Support your local cemetery
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…