[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
time for some seasonal decor
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: