Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
You Might Also Like
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad