Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Denise please return my vape pen
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative