Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car