I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
You Might Also Like
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook