If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.