I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life