Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Buying a well is money well spent.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.