#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.