I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The biggest mystery of our time
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire