*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
What
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a