Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*