A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?