Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.