Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Always…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl