Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.