(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too