(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
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[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.