Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.