We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I am, perchance
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.