Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐ถ
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐
Me: ๐๐ญ
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be โFriends with Benefitsโ which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you canโt ask me something like thatโฆ.I absolutely do not want new friends.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
โWtf itโs been 3 hoursโ
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? โyouโ has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
i made a craigslist ad !
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. heโs a junior
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Iโve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. Whatโs it about?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks ๐
โWhat do you like to do in your free time?โ
Golf.
โOh thatโs cool. Whenโs the last time you played?โ
8 years ago.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking weโre throwing a rave.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, youโll have to wash your hands like a politician
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
if dolly were in the holy bible sheโd be in charge of parton the red seas.