My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
WTF
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet