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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
New favorite tiktok
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced